Notify Me

No one likes it but everyone has it. By this I mean Facebook.

Lately, I’ve had less of a desire to be on this hyped up “social networking site.”

If you want to be social, get a friend and toss a beach ball. Or stay at home and stare at a blank screen.

So here’s my Facebookian satire:

I’m a peppy college kid. I guess you could say that. My rosy red hair is tied back in pig tails. Some call me Pippi Longstocking. Doesn’t bother me. I go to most of my classes, attend most of my parties, and participate in a bit of social activism. By this I mean supporting the new and becoming movement, “Notify Me.” It was originally founded by Marc Zuckerberg, but then Jesse Eisenberg took over. You know, for the sex appeal. Our movement, the Notify Me Movement, is here to promote the growth of Facebook in third world countries without plumbing and toilet paper. To help the local people become connected on a global scale to enhance the quality of their lives.

Much of my work is also based in my community.

I visit local schools and pass out pins, hoping the kids will “like” me. There’s a button for that!

I preach what I pray: Facebook has a niche for everyone.

When I’m at a school giving a lecture and I see a really geeky obese fella, I tell him the truth: There’s a place for him where people won’t go out of their ways to demean his very existence. He can have 430 friends or 520 or 1,062 if he wants. He can even find a crush on Candy Crush. But I usually wait until the crowd is pre-pubescent before I make those comments.

Sometimes when I’m starting my Powerpoint presentation (when I remember to log out of my Facebook first!), I play some Beatles. Get them in the right mindset.

“Picture yourself in a boat on a river

With tangerine trees and marmalade skies.

Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly

A girl with kaleidoscope eyes.”

I tell this poor chunky boy, he can have it all. Even the girl with kaleidoscope eyes…if he masters the art of Candy Crush!

Just so long as he doesn’t eat the candy. Or else she won’t even look at him. Even on a screen. With a profile pic of somebody else. Nope. Not gonna happen.

So you see, Facebook has a place for everyone: the teenage girls who need an outlet to complain about their lives every 23 minutes, the obese boys in glasses trying to pick up chicks via Candy Crush, the upbeat status posters, the picture sharers, and the dazed and confused.

And here we can all be friends.

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