I’m jealous of the girls with normal lives–the girls who don’t spill marinara sauce on their crotch when they go on dates, the girls whose dogs don’t pee on their friend’s “hooker socks,” the girls who aren’t awkward and snarky and witty and who just wanna have fun.
I’m jealous of the Barbies with watermelons for tits and guacamole for brains. Although they can’t find the area of the triangle according to the Pythagorean Theorem, which was discovered by Pythagoras of Samos…I’ll stop right there. I had a Barbie doll, too. It was “Barbie Goes to the Dentist.” I would perform dental procedures while you dunked yours into a glitter-filled Ziplock.
Then there was tie-dye. Every girl makes tie-dye seem so easy. Every girl can do tie-dye, right? I would always spill mine and make a mess or tie the rubber bands too tightly and end up with a shirt that looked like the haystack in Charlotte’s Web five months after Wilbur died.
By this blog post, we’re addressing blonde-haired bitches. Sorry if your hair just happens to be blonde or if you’re a stereotype or if you chew bulimia for breakfast.