A Day in the Life of our Fridge

Daily Prompt: Luxurious

Shelly can’t live without chocolate. But the funny thing is, the only chocolate Shelly cares about is dark chocolate–without the milk. I’m not sure if it’s already implied that dark chocolate doesn’t have milk in it. Maybe I need to research these things…

Shelly keeps three bars of chocolate in our fridge.

One day, Shelly accused me of digging into her chocolate–and all hell broke loose.

Just kidding about the hell breaking loose. We don’t get into fights–not yet.

Shelly’s luxury is her chocolate. After she accused me of eating some, she came up with a scapegoat. Or I came up with the scapegoat. Obviously I did because Shelly was the one accusing me.

Now we have a policy regarding chocolate. It goes like this: if you eat it, admit it. No, this isn’t Confession, and no, I didn’t lie, cheat, ┬ásteal, or sleep with three dozen pigs.

Just admit you ate the fucking chocolate!

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If I Had Gone to Color Wars

Daily Prompt: Regrets, I’ve Had a Few

Note: Each residence hall has a different color. We fight one another in barbaric games and are awarded prizes, much like in an old school coliseum.

If I had gone to Color Wars, my life would be different. I would be happy. I wouldn’t have studied my Hebrew. By which I mean, I would have been happy. I would have pulled off a win for my wonderful residence hall. We would have defeated all the other residence halls. We would have been champions. And I know how it feels to be a champion. I once was one. Back in high school. Now I’m in new territory. Unfamiliar grounds. If I had gone to Color Wars, my life would be different.

Crazy for the Red, White, and Blue

Daily Prompt: I Pledge Allegiance

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united…wait I forgot the rest.

As you can see, this is a tell-tale sign of my ignorance. But sometimes, ignorance is bliss.

My grandparents, on the other hand, hang U.S. flags from their veranda. And no, they’re not the crazy people with a strange addiction to the United States of America. Mmmm, gotta get more of that patriotism!

They do it because everyone else does. Because everyone in their apartment complex also waves their flags from their verandas.

Which brings me to my point…

Why don’t I?

I’m not gonna burn the flag. The U.S. has done some great things over the last few years. For example, regardless of your political preferences, we did make history when we elected the first black president. And we demolished DOMA. And we did all this other stuff that I can’t think of right now but I still think is important but give me an hour, okay?

I’m not gonna burn the flag. But I’m not gonna wave it.

(to be continued)

Eat Your Fruit Loops in the Dark

Daily Prompt: Can’t Drive 55

This post is based off the satirical Amanda Palmer song, “Ukulele Anthem”…by one of the few who knows how to play one.

Calling all posers–open auditions! Bring your ukulele. Cars caked in bumper stickers–a minimum of thirty stickers–are greatly appreciated. Donations welcome. Especially if they’re vegan.

As for the ukulele, I’d suggest you bring it–only if you can’t play it. By which I mean you think you can play it. You got three chords? Then strut it and fret it and pretend you’re Jimmy Fucking Hendrix.

Do your English with a spork

And eat your fruit loops in the dark

And read your baby books in bed

And play your ukulele!

The Life and Times of your Typical Target Shopper

Daily Prompt: Ready for Your Close-up

Perhaps I read the prompt wrong. I guess I don’t feel like casting the movie of my life. It seems too obvious. It would feature me, myself, and Irene. Or possibly my roommate and the people down the hall. Regardless, I’d prefer to tell you about my life.

Today was the third day of class. Yawn.

That’s what they want you to think!

It was enthralling, actually! Let me give y’all the rundown:

Monday: Hebrew and Music.

Tuesday: nada except for a Target run with my roommate

Wednesday: First Year Seminar mixed with Music, yet again

It’s weird. I’m not always the smartest of the pack in a discussion-based class like I was in high school. And I kind of like that. I promise I will rise to the challenge and do my college homework and study my brains out. Yet I also enjoy learning from my peers, who are friendly, enthusiastic, and sharp as a pin.

So my life goes like this: I enter college. Just a small town girl. I hang out with friends. I eat vegan muffins from my roommate. And I make Target runs. Also, there’s this thing called studying. Better start doing that. For the drama and the climax and the film noir, see me after Christmas. For now it’s smooth sailing.

Wear your Flip Flops

Daily Prompt: Funny Ha-Ha

Before I address the topic of humor–who’s got it and who flaunts it and who needs it–let me first apologize to my small fan base of followers. Sorry it’s been a century since I’ve blogged. I just started college. This includes Week One orientation activities, meeting new people, using new showers, and wearing lots of flip flops. Especially in the bathroom. If there’s one thing you get out of the college experience, it’s that you have to wear flip flops in the bathroom.

So let’s get blogging…humor.

I guess I have it in an odd kind of way. Here’s an example:

Yesterday I took a Fiber One bar out of our microfridge. By microfridge I mean this cool thing where a fridge sits on top of a microwave. Retro, right?

My roomie, whom we can call Shelly just for the sake of confidentiality, told me after the fact that I ate my Fiber One that the fridge wasn’t operating. We still hadn’t purchased the three-pronged surge protector. Basically, I ate a granola bar out of the fridge, didn’t realize the bar wasn’t cold at all, and left the entire box in the fridge. Which brings me to another point–why on earth did I leave the bars in the box in the fridge?

I guess I can be funny. I guess it was a learning experience. I guess I learned that the next time Shelly informs me that my mirofridge door is open…I’m not going to close it!

“Good Luck,” said the Olive Garden Waitress

Daily Prompt: Three-Tenths

I know–I cheated. This prompt demanded that I type out ten words that are on my mind and choose three to make the title of my post. My title’s a little longer than three words. Sorry suckers, but I’m going off to college tomorrow. I’ve done a lot of packing. There’s still more to do. It’s been a hectic week with all this shopping, all this worrying, all this saying goodbye for now, hello for later. “Good luck,” said the Olive Garden waitress. Or so she frosted the side of the plate containing our celebration cake. “Good luck,” said my mom, my dad, my everyone else.

So if you’ll please excuse my longer title, I think we’ll get off to a great start.

Tonight, my last night at home, we went to the Olive Garden with Maureen and Gerry. As everyone already knows, they’re wonderful people, and I think you should meet them in your spare time.

Sorry if my writing today seems scattered. It’s hard to type when your nail polish is drying.

Regardless, we had the best waitress ever. I’d recommend her no matter what size your party. Her name is Brittany. She originates from the north. And no, this is not pre-Civil War language. She comes from the northern area of my state, where the hillbillies reside.

She took up a long chat with our group. In fact, she invented some sort of club, which the females in our party were allowed to join–only for our good looks. Our table was roaring with laughter. We enjoyed my final evening in my home town, of course, at the local Olive Garden. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Good luck,” said the Olive Garden waitress, Brittany.

“I’ll do my best,” I typed.

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